Who am I?

I stepped on the scale and looked down. I knew I wouldn't like what it said, but I had no idea that it would be that bad. "Is this real?!? Is my scale broken?!?" I thought. Sadly, it was real and my scale was not broken. I had crossed a line I NEVER thought would happen! I am 409 pounds! That's a small cow!!! That's a quarter ton!! How did this happen? How did I gain back all that weight I worked so hard to lose?!? These questions ran through my head ... then the guilt and self-loathing started to kick in. I hate who I have become. But before I get too far ahead of myself perhaps I should explain how I came to this point ...

Hi! My name is Stephanie. I've struggled with my weight as far back as I can remember. When I was in Kindergarten, I was able to wear my sister's (who was in 6th grade) bra! Throughout Elementary school I was constantly teased by other kids, being called "the pregnant lady" and hearing "watch out, she might sit on you and crush you." It was HARD! Then Junior High and High School came and all the drama of boys. I felt unattractive and inadequate compared to my peers. I couldn't shops at the same stores as my girlfriends did and I knew the really cute boys would never want me. I always felt alone even when I was in a crowd of "friends."

Throughout my 20's I slowly gained weight every time a boyfriend broke up with me or my life fell apart. Sometimes I'd get serious about counting calories and exercise and I'd lose weight. Up and down, year after year. I tried Weight Watchers, dietitians, Curves, personal trainers, pills, and even looked into surgery. Some things helped, but got expensive or I'd moved.

In October of 2011, I decided that enough was enough! I was going through a divorce and I didn't like who I was, so I started changing things. At the time I was at my all time highest weight of 365 lbs. By February 2014, I'd gotten down to 270 lbs! During that time I'd worked with an awesome personal trainer, lived in 3 states, ran my first 5k, and suffered a back injury. I was finally learning how to overcome obstacles and become healthier.

In March 2014, my life changed for the good and the bad. Spencer (my fiance at the time) came home from a two year mission. I was SO HAPPY to have him finally home.However, having him around did make it harder for me to eat like I had been even though he was supportive. Also, we faced a lot of turmoil over our engagement. I became severally depressed and even suicidal. I turned to food. Before I knew it, I'd started to gain weight. After our wedding, my focus was on other things: my new husband, moving, school, starting a business, ect. Every so often I'd say "I'm going to restart being healthy." Sometimes it lasted a day or two, but something always came up.

So, why now? Why am I finally REALLY making changes and writing this blog? Well, because I can't live my life like this! Every day is exhausting and pain from the time I wake-up until I fall asleep. I hate going into public or getting dressed up because I'm embarrassed how I look, plus nothing fits anymore. I'm constantly tired and need a nap most days just to make it through the day. I hate going to the bathroom, especially in other people's homes or public restrooms because I've become so large that it's hard to wipe. I'm scared to go to the movies with my husband because I won't fit in the seats. I feel very disgusting and unattractive every day. Plus, to add to everything else, we haven't been able to get pregnant and the doctor says that I have to get down to 250 before they will start testing to see if we can have children. That's a BIG motivator for me!

However, losing over 200 lbs isn't going to happen just because one day I wake-up and say "I'm going to be health from now on and lose all my weight. This journey is going to be long and hard. It will not end when I finally say good-bye to the last pound and reach my goal weight, it will be a lifetime journey with many bumps in the road, but I know that I can do it. I am strong! I am able to do anything! I am Stephanie!